Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Blogged

It's the one month anniversary since my last blog entry.

If you could see me, you would notice a pronounced droop in my chin. My eyes hang low and you could could get some serious air time wake boarding across the wrinkles on my forehead.

I don't look that way from shame. I'm just trying to figure out the logic in the fact that not writing for a month has gained 3 readers to my blog during that time.

People like it when I don't write.

Ah. There's my motivation.

On with it then, right?

Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Blogged

10. Getting 3 children ready for school is taxing. And there's nothing remotely entertaining about it unless you're talking about the beer I drank afterwards.

9. My dryer died and I was spending copious amounts of time thinking about wringing out the wet laundry that was sitting in the broken dryer.

8. Twitter is ruining me. Why spend 30 minutes writing 300 words when you can say it all in 30 seconds with 140 characters?

7. I seem to be spending copious amounts of time sitting on the floor doing puzzles, playing Barbies and Polly Pocket, and building massive castles out of Lego. Then I can't get up off the floor because my joints have seized up.

6. I couldn't find the tape.

5. The Princess has discovered a new friend two doors down from us. When the new friend stated that the baby doll they were doctoring needed medicine called "mood swings", I've felt the need to closely supervise this new friendship.

4. The Boy needs feeding on an hourly basis.

3. It was The Husband's birthday. I'm not sure why that's a reason not to blog but I'm pulling excuses out of the air at this point.

2. The fridge needed cleaning out. Oh. Wait. That's why I'm blogging right now. To avoid the fridge. Whatever works.

....and the #1 reason I haven't blogged in a month.....

1. My PVR was 90% full and I needed to watch 300 hours of TV so I could free up some room. Hey. I have to be able to record So You Think You Can Dance.

So that's it. 10 excuses. But I've set myself some goals this week. I am going to blog every day. Tune in tomorrow when I will unveil my new invention.

It's brilliant. And luckily, I found the tape.

Summertime, Summertime, Sum Sum Summertime....

Top Ten Ways I Know Summer is Here

Take 2....blogger hates me today. I don't know why it won't take off the draft I was working on while supervising many children, putting up with assorted teenage angst and does anyone want to tell me why blogger decided that hitting the enter key meant 'publish' and not going down to the next line? It's like blogger and I had a fight that I had no idea ever happened and it's seeking its revenge in the backhanded catty way of a snotty girl.

I flipping need a beer.

Top Ten Ways I know Summer is Here - Take Two

10. The Princess set up an Iced Tea stand today.

9. The ice cream truck has started its hourly drive down our street causing every child in a two block radius to start screaming and begging their mother for 3 bucks to buy Dora on a stick.

8. I only had to pack The Husband's lunch today.

7. Linda and the twins are out. A lot. (If you're not from my neck of the woods....oy, you don't want to know.)

6. I found sand in the kitchen sink.

5. Assorted children are whining at me about wanting to play at the beach.

4. The Monkey asked to wear her popsicle dress.

3. I counted the number of days until school starts. 73.

2. I counted the number of beers in the fridge. Not enough.

....and the #1 reason I know summer is here....

1. I just contemplated buying this:

so I can wear a bathing suit this summer.

I'd look like that in 30 days.

Uh huh.

Well, with stretch marks past the navel.

Whew. Take two was hard.

I'm glad I had already deleted what I had written about reading a book on fasting while eating a bologna sandwich on white bread. It was bad.

I need to get a grip. I've got 72 days left to survive.

Random Thoughts of the Week

Since I can't seem to find the time or will to post a real post about one large thought or idea or something or other, I give you:

Top Ten Random Thoughts of the Week

10. I really should have gotten to the gym this week. Really. Really. Really. I'm starting to worry that people are going to start asking me when I'm due. I'm exhausted from holding in my gut in public.

9. Why didn't I refuse that Sulfa antibiotic for the Princess when I know I'm allergic to it?

8. Holding down a 7 year old getting blood work really sucks. And makes me cry, too. (And made me want to tip the lab techs who were amazing.)

7. An almost 3 year old's take on the world is a wonderful wonderful thing. The Baby saw a picture of The Eldest's graduation cap and gown portrait and asked me, "K___'s in High School Musical 3???"

6. Spaceballs is about the bestest movie of all time. "What's the matter, Colonel....chicken?"

5. Missing The Husband when he's away at a work conference is a great thing after 20 years.

4. The love/hate relationship I have with our dog was pretty much hate this week.

3. Someone needs to invent window screens that keep the bugs out, but the almost 3 year old in. It's going to be a long hot summer with all the windows open only a crack so she doesn't accidentally fall out a window.

2. Pink nail polish is difficult to get off of a sink, counter top and floor. An entire bottle of pink nail polish. On the upside, The Baby didn't pour it in MY bathroom sink, so I don't have to look at it daily.

.....and the number 1 Random Thought of the Week.....

1. Getting The Princess a kitten is an insane insane insane insane insane idea and I should not even be having those thoughts, let alone thoughts about trying to convince The Husband that she needs one. The Princess fights dirty, though, and her lamenting over not being able to play with her friends, or go to school or even go outside in the sunshine to play because she was sick and if only she had a kitten to keep her company and play with, it would make it so much easier to bear being ill. Bugger.

Help

Okay. Here's the deal.

I need help.

Your help.

Yes. YOU.

You may have noticed that it's been kind of quiet around these parts. Yet again. I'm not sure what my problem is. Blog envy. Blog burnout. Blog blah. And then my mom (Hi, Mom) called today. She played the mom card and told me she was sick and tired of seeing my really old entry sitting all sad and lonely on my blog and to get on with it.

So what's the problem? I can't decide what I want to write about. I can't even decide what to make for dinner.

Help me. Please. I've whittled it down to 10 possible entries.

Top Ten Possible Blog Entries

10. The Boy - Olympic Snack Champion in Training

9. Why the Royal 'WE' Should Be Outlawed in My Home

8. US of A Border Crossing 101 - Griswold Style

7. Twitter is Rotting My Brain

6. You Stinking Kids Are NOT Turning the New Van into a Garbage Dump. I Mean It!

5. 'N' Stands for "Oh My God, My Baby Just Drove Away In My Van and There's No Flipping Adult in There With Her!!"

4. Recession My *%#

3. Bugs Are Our Friends. Don't You DARE Put That Thing on Me.

2. Ponna Tanna

....and the last possible blog entry is.....

1. The Griswold Family's Favourite Things - A Princess' Perspective

And so, my faithful readers, would you help a lost blogger out? Which topic should I write about?

Top Ten Reasons Spring Can Arrive

It snowed today.

And hailed.

I don't live in Nunavut.

The daffodils I planted last fall are so blinking confused I have lost all faith that they will ever bloom.

I have decided to have it out with winter, and tell it to go to where the sun don't shine. The first day of spring is scheduled to arrive later this week and winter better get its butt packed and moved on out. Or else.

Or else what I have no idea, but I'm saying it in my sternest mother voice.

I mean it.

Winter....it's been a slice. You arrived in time for a Christmas visit. We were so happy to see you. So rarely do we West Coasters get to enjoy you during the festive holidays. We know you usually like to stay home way out there in the centre of the universe otherwise known as Toronto, and we were so honoured that you decided to hang out with us wimps. But I'll be honest with you. You've over stayed your welcome. By about 2 months.

Go home.

Top 10 Reasons Spring Can Arrive

10. Snow...I'm sick of it. Sick sick sick sick sick.
9. I'm tired of scraping the minivan's windows in the morning. Tired tired tired tired tired of it.
8. My last natural gas bill killed 2 trees.
7. My last hydro bill needed extra postage.
6. We're out of hot chocolate.
5. A person shouldn't have the urge to hang Christmas lights in March.
4. I bought this cute purple spring wrap sweater and I don't want to wear a coat over it.
3. The Bailey's is gone.
2. My hair looks like I've been drying it with a blow torch.

....and the #1 reason Spring can arrive....

1. I washed all of the Baby's mittens and they all came out of the dryer missing their mates.

Spring. Please. Come. Soon.

Hovel Living

When you're cleaning the house after spending large quantities of time NOT cleaning the house, the task can take some time.

This leads to a lot of time for thinking while cleaning.

Thoughts such as this: I've done a crappy job instilling any sort of 'cleanliness' thoughts or actions in any or all of my 4 children.

The Top Ten Things I Wish I Had Taught My Children About Not Living In a Hovel

That title needs some work but due to all the cleaning I've put a crick in my neck and am now nursing a migraine and so it shall stay just the way it is. Grammatically awkward. I'm guessing what's coming next isn't going to read too pretty either.

1. Aiming skills. Accurate aiming skills.

2. Better pet choosing skills. Choose an ugly hairless dog at the pound, not a cute fluffball that will grow into a 90 pound fluffball that sheds when she's hungry, needs to go out to pee or is just bored.

3. Dirty ANYTHING does not go on the floor. It goes in the laundry hamper, dishwasher or garbage. Out the flipping window for all I care, just not on the flipping floor.

4. When your mother spends 100 bucks at Ikea and spends 4 hours assembling a bunch of particle boards into toy storage using one small bent piece of metal, you can stop using your bedroom floor, the living room floor, the stairs and the hallway for toy storage.

5. The van is not a toy storage unit. Yes, your father dented it at Ikea, but that doesn't make it a toy storage unit.

6. Chairs are for sitting on, not hanging coats, sweaters, shirts, work uniforms and used socks.

7. The parental bedroom and bathroom are OFF LIMITS!!! (Why can't a two year old eat a thiefed bag of crackers in her own bed? What's that about?)

8. Every 'thing' has a place. And its place is not on the kitchen counter.

9. Writing utensils are for paper, not skin, walls, toilet seat lids or computer screens.

10. Your mother is not your maid. If she was a maid, you would be paying her 40 dollars an hour to clean the hovel of a house you live in. And I'm pretty sure maids won't stoop to finding out where the heck that vile smell is coming from only to discover it's an uneaten sandwich that someone's loving and devoted mother made for some ungrateful child that has been left in the bottom of a backpack for, oh, I'm just guessing here, 2 weeks.

Or something like that.

Do you have something you wish you had instilled in your child? I'd love to hear I'm not the only one floundering out here in this vast sea of disorganized, messy hovel living.

Top 10 Positives This Week

I'm IRRITATED. I'm FRUSTRATED. I have a MIGRAINE. And the dog just ripped up an entire cardboard cylinder all over the living room floor. I don't want to get up, pick up all the pieces and then drag out the vacuum. That will only lead to more cleaning and irritation and frustration and migraine inducing pain.

I don't need that.

So I shall sit here on my duff and try to write myself out of my *ahem* cantankerous (gotta love the online thesaurus) mood and think about:

The Top Ten Positive Things I Experienced This Week

10. Watching a biker dude run across an intersection to help a couple of teenagers who's car had stalled.

9. Seeing people run in the pouring rain to chase pumpkins that had burst from their huge cardboard container and were rolling pell mell across the parking lot.

8. A lady coming up to me in a store and telling me my children were cute enough to be put on a postcard.

7. A Husband who made sure I had enough cash with me when I went out to meet a girlfriend for a beer and needed chat.

6. Long conversations with my siblings on the phone.

5. All of my siblings (and there's a lot of them) answering my neurotic and demanding emails.

4. Sitting and talking for two and a half hours with a friend I've known since grade 1.

3. Walking in the autumn sunshine with a two year old and looking at all the Halloween decorations in the neighbourhood.

2. Having a Tim Horton's coffee to drink while waiting at the Albion ferry.

.....and the #1 Positive Thing I Experienced This Week....

1. Being able to say "I love you" to my Mom.


I feel better already.

You can too. Add to my list. We could make it a top 20.

Top 10 Things I Never Thought I Would Say

10. "Get your pancake off the window."

9. "Don’t stick your finger there." (dog’s, um, posterior…)

8. "Get your fingers (note the plural) out of your nose." To be closely followed by, "Don’t feed your snot to the dog!" To be closely followed by, "AHHH!! DON'T LICK YOUR FINGERS!!"

7. "You’re going to electrocute yourself!" (I’m pretty sure this one is contrary to my Early Childhood Educational training. In ECE lingo, I think I should have phrased it, “Electrical sockets are for plugging in lights and vacuums, not forks.”)

6. "I am NOT going to let you grow up to be a juvenile delinquent!"

5. "If you ask me one more time, you're going to have to send me to the funny farm."

4. "Never mind what a funny farm is."

3. "If you don't get back in your bed, you are NOT going to school tomorrow!"

2. "Don't tell your father."

....and the #1 thing I never thought I would say is......

1. "Oh my Gosh! High School Musical 3 comes out soon! We totally have to go see that!"

The #1 thing I never thought I'd hear the Husband say?

After the 2 year old head butted him in the mouth...

"OWWW!! That hurt! GO LIE DOWN!" (He's told the dog to go lie down once or twice in his life, but it was a first for the two year old.)

Be brave. Add to my list. I know you've got some.....

Summer Accomplishments

The end of summer. Bittersweet. Everyone is ready for change but sad to see the lazy days end.

I always have grandiose thoughts of accomplishing vast amounts of stuff at the the beginning of summer. Then Labour Day comes in the blink of an eye and it feels like all I managed to do was not have Social Services stop by for an unscheduled visit.

So, while I'm being forced to listen to ABBA and watch various Webkins dance (please don't ask....it's really not how I envisioned spending my Sunday mornings when I was in my youth, not to mention the oddity that Kaitlyn has ABBA on her iTunes playlist, and I didn't get to finish my coffee as Keeley decided to wash her hair scrunchies in it when I went to the bathroom....I'm a tad irritable.)

Where was I?

Oh, ya. Accomplishments. Yes. What did I accomplish this summer?

Perhaps another list.

Top Ten Things I Accomplished This Summer of 2000 and 8.

10. I bought a new journal. I've written in it twice. One of the entries doesn't have swear words in it.

9. We went camping. Albeit in an ARRRVEEEE, and we made s'mores in the microwave, but it still counts.

8. I cleaned up the wasteland on the side of our house and made it look all pretty and presentable. The neighbours really didn't have to stand outside and clap, but it was a nice touch.

7. I read the entire Twilight series. I know. I know. Don't yell at me. But Edward is just so dreamy and if you were going to fall in love with a Vampire, you'd want him to be just like Edward. Not like one that would kill you or something. That would have made for a quick book. Did I mention that the kids were up at 6 am and I haven't had much coffee?

6. I read the entire Anne of Green Gables series. Yes, I've read them several times, but just love them and wanted to experience the thrill of Anne realizing that she DOES love Gilbert after all. Dreamy sigh.

5. I visited almost every park in Maple Ridge.

4. I recovered the diningroom chairs. Hmmm. Maybe I did that in June. Crap. I posted about that too, so I'll get caught in a lie if that's the case. Hang on.

No....all good. That was in July.

3. I got to witness my husband compete in the Provincial Lifeguard Championships after being in retirement for 10 years. In the humble words of Arthur Hoggett, "That'll do, Heath. That'll do."

2. I didn't kill either dog.

and my #1 accomplishment for the Summer of 2008......

1. I drank 86 beer.

Not all at once.

Calvin

I have a nephew. His name is Calvin. He rocks.

Top Ten Reasons Why Calvin is Da Bomb.

10. He can make his hair grow straight up, defying all laws of gravity.

9. He could beat me at chess when he was 5.

8. He shares a room with his kid brother....and his kid brother is still alive.

7. He can get about 12 feet of air when on the trampoline.

6. He likes to grow things in the garden and not under his bed.

5. In the future, I will be able to phone Calvin and ask him to come save my houseplants.

4. Freckles? Girls love freckles....

3. He has the largest Webkin collection in Western Canada.

2. He's an AWESOME big cousin who's always looking out for his little cousins. They love him.

...and the number 1 reason that Calvin is da bomb is.....

he's my first nephew!!

Emma

Emma is my niece. I think everyone should get a shout out once in a while.

Top Ten Reasons Why Emma Rocks

10. She has a smile that lights up a room.

9. She will one day design a gown for me to wear to my high school reunion, and it will make me look 10 years younger than everyone else.

8. She loves movies.

7. She gives THE best hugs...and I don't even have to ask!

6. She ALWAYS asks me how I'm doing.

5. She has Grandma Watt's fingernails, long and graceful.

4. She puts up with two younger brothers.

3. She has the singing voice of a Canadian Idol.

2. She is the queen of one liners.

...and the #1 reason why Emma rocks is....

She made me an Auntie!!

I'd love for others to add to the list!!

In Honour of Mother's Day

There's been a particularly irritating commercial playing on the radio this week. It's about a woman who is giving herself the perfect mother's day gift. "Dear Me, Happy Mother's Day! Love, ME! OH look! A pair of Joe flats!"

Personally, if I was going to give myself a gift, it wouldn't be a pair of $8 crap shoes from Superstore. I'm no fashioneista, but grocery store runners don't scream, "Perfect Mother's Day Gift!" to me.

Then I perused an article in the paper about the perfect Mother's Day gift. And they said it was perfume. Really? I was expecting a more earth shattering answer, to tell you the truth.

So it got me to thinking. What WOULD I give myself for Mother's Day? I couldn't come up with anything. I love receiving home made cards with so much glitter that they leave a trail in their wake, with crooked writing that says the reason the child loves me so very much is because I make them macaroni and cheese. I really enjoy the annual, "Mom gets to sleep in". But...the perfect gift? I'm sure that if you polled 100 mothers and asked them the same question, the answers would be pretty varied.

Then that shovel from my previous post showed up. PINNNGGG.

I had the answer.

I'd give myself a top ten list. Top ten reasons for liking myself and for being a great mom. A top ten list that I could pull out on a rough day of mothering and garner strength. The list would be laminated of course (for easy cleaning) and I could carry it around in my purse for emergencies.

In a perfect world, my children would write this said list, but as I don't garner strength from the fact that I can cook a mean pot of mac and cheese, I shall take this moment as my own and come up with my own list. Pardon me while I pat myself on the back.

Colleen's Top Ten List

1. Being the mother of 4 has increased my chances exponentially of having one that will visit me in the old age home.

2. I am a GREAT multi tasker. I can do laundry, plan a shopping list in my head and yell at a kid to take out the dog all at the same time.

3. I can cure a 2 year old's boo boo with a kiss. That's power.

4. Having small boobs means that they will only continue to fall down to my elbows and not my knees.

5. All the laugh lines on my face are memories of great moments in life.

6. All the worry lines are evidence that I love my kids.

7. I can create a dinner for six in 30 minutes with 4 ingredients. And have them all eat it.

8. I can say, "I love you" with my eyes.

9. I know where all my kids are at 11pm, every single night (this one's pending change).

10. I'm still married to my high school sweetheart after 19 years, 11 moves and 4 children.


I'd love to read other moms lists. Or a list FOR your mom.