3 months

I was talking with my sister today. Lots of ranting about life and stuff. Then the inevitable pause in the conversation.

"So. How are you doing?"

Just a few simple words. But we each knew what we were asking.

We're really asking how the grieving is going. How are you holding up? Are you still in disbelief, do you still think about calling her on the phone and then realize she gone, do you still cry at odd times...the waves crashing over your soul, making you feel like you're drowning in your tears and you can't catch a breath.

"How are you doing?"

I think I'm doing ok. Most of the time. It's been two weeks since I sobbed on my bed for 15 minutes then picked up the broken pieces of my tear stained heart and shoved them back into my aching chest.

It's been three months. I like to think my Mom is getting settled up there in heaven and is putting her final touches on a new job for The Husband, amongst a bunch of other stuff. Don't get me wrong. I know God has it all organized but if you knew my Mom, you'd know that she's already attended several meetings about the whole issue, come up with a few choice soundbites that succinctly put it all into perspective and then pushed the start date up about 2 months.

It's how she rolls.

Anywhoo, in talking with my sister today it made me realize that I'm doing ok. There's a lot of stuff in my life I'm dealing with but when it comes to Mom...well, I think I'm where I'm suppose to be. Grieving, but slowly moving through this whole process of saying good bye to a beloved person.

Will I ever stop missing her? No. I don't want to ever get to that place. Do I want my heart to heal? Yes, but I want those scars to remain on my heart forever. They mean she was loved, always missed, never forgotten. But I have to wake up every day and carry on. Boy would she be pissed if I didn't do that. If every person that ever loved her didn't do that.

And so we get up every morning and brush our teeth, pluck the new grey hairs out of our eyebrows and make a pot of coffee. We carry on.

Part of the grieving for me has been a desperate need to remember my mom as she was before the cancer entered her brain. Before the chemo. Before she found a lump in her breast. It was so difficult right after she died to remember her as she truly was for most of her life, before the cancer slowly stole her away. And it was so difficult to retrieve any positive pictures in my mind.

I started to dream about my mom shortly after she passed away. Most of them were foggy, bits and pieces that I would try desperately to put back together in my mind when I awoke. They were moments of her as she used to be, not wasting away, but vibrantly alive...but they were like viewing snapshots of faded pictures when I awoke and I couldn't cling to their images, no matter how hard I tried.

But one night about a month after she died, I entered a garden in my dream. There was a patio, and a white trellis. The sun was shining but there was cool shade on the other side of the trellis...trees and flowers, white chairs in a big semi circle on the grass.

I walked out into the garden and saw people sitting in the chairs. I knew there was a person sitting in a chair just on the other side of the trellis and I was drawn to that spot. I walked to it, turned and looked. Mom was sitting in the chair, smiling, radiant, so happy.

"MOM. MOM! What are you doing here??? You're suppose to be dead. You died."

I know. Even in my dreams I ooze poetic verse.

Mom stood up. Smiling. So so smiling.

"The doctors were wrong! The cancer's gone. I'm empty of cancer! They did tests. It's gone."

Smiling smiling smiling.

And I hugged her fiercely. And we hugged and hugged and hugged and I didn't let go. And she didn't let go. I was hugging my Mom in the garden, surrounded by summer trees, sun and the flowers that she so loved. There were other people, all sitting in the chairs, watching us. I didn't see their faces but I knew they were loved ones. In her favourite place to be. The garden. Loved ones. Flowers.

I felt the need to write this down tonight. To remember. Because I'm learning that part of grieving is remembering. Remembering that it's ok to smile at the good thoughts, important to think about the happy times, let go of the "why's" and "it's not fair" and focus on the carrying on.

Do I still cry? Yes. But not as often.

Do I still miss her? Oh, yes, but I'm learning to accept this new normal.

Am I still angry? No. And I can't tell you how grateful I am to have moved past that. I am so grateful that I don't feel like putting my fist through the wall or breaking every plate in my cupboard anymore.

Do I still feel disbelief? This has all of a sudden gone away. It was strange to have gone through the last few months of her life, knowing she was dying, care for her, be there when she passed away, see her in her coffin, and then be driving down the road two months later and be hit with a huge wave of shock with the realization that she was gone. She was really gone. For good. For ever.

(For the record..if you were driving on the #1 Hwy from Chilliwack about a month ago and saw a deranged lady in a white minivan crying like a banshee? Ya. That was me.)

Have I stopped reliving my Mom's last moments over and over in my head? Yes. And I'm ok with that. Because I'm also learning that in order for grieving to happen, to keep moving through this whole process, I have to let them happen. Not fight it. Not perseverate on it. I know I was having issues with those last few hours...why didn't I realize sooner, why didn't I call the siblings that weren't there, what should I have done differently, but also just desperate to NOT forget those last few hours and moments.

Writing them down gave me permission to stop thinking about it over and over. I know I can go back and read it if I feel like I'm forgetting. That's what I felt drawn to do tonight. Write down my dream. I won't forget.

And that is comforting. It's not a hug from Mom, but it's comforting.

A Happy Moment

I was going to start griping about something but decided that the day was too bright and sunny for complaints.

So I will share a lovely moment.

"Horsie!"

Ah, to be two and find the greatest joy in moments like this. I need to remember to savour the moments that God gives us. It's not about big bank accounts or fancy houses. Enjoy life, not just persevere.

I cannot find any joy in my messy house at the moment but I shall overlook the disarray and remember that it is messy because I've been blessed with children and summertime fun. School and schedules will be back before we know it.

I shall enjoy this day....but I probably won't look as cute as Keeley doing it.

Patience and Trust

The next few weeks will be a time of patience for everyone in our extended family.

In this world of 'right now', patience is becoming a lost virtue. Google, the Internet, microwaves, fast food restaurants, prepackaged foods, and instant tans..... children who want for nothing, who are never made to wait for a new bike, ipod or trip to the candy store. It has all created a society that cannot 'wait' for anything. I'm as guilty as the next person.

And then there's a phone call and your family's world changes. And you want answers. Right now. Immediately. But there are many more questions than answers and you have to wait. Wait and wait some more. And with this impatience comes the questions to God. Why this? I don't understand. It doesn't make sense. This isn't the way it's suppose to be. How could this be Your plan?

And with every question, the impatience grows. And you want more answers that are not forthcoming.

So what to do?

Trust.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And do not rely on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him
And He will make straight your paths."
Proverbs 3:5-6

It's always amazing to me that God finds a way to put my impatient heart at peace the moment I need it. The above verse is one I wrote down several months ago in my journal. I had pulled out my journal this morning and was leafing through it trying to find a blank page to write down some needed information and there it was. I turned right to the page with the verse. Right when I truly needed to be reminded that God is in charge. All my impatience won't change a thing. But putting trust in Him will give me patience.

Patience and trust. God is in control. I don't understand but God does.

Dreams

Once upon a time there was a little girl who dreamed of living in the suburbs. She dreamed of having four messy children and a husband who went to Victoria without her on the weekend to help run lifeguard competitions. She dreamed about driving a beat up purple minivan and changing exploded diapers in the middle of the night. She dreamed of yappy dogs, carpets that needed vacuuming and dirty dishes in the sink.

She didn't dream of marrying into wealth, living in a fancy home, or driving a convertible '69 Mustang. She didn't dream of big breasts, a flat stomach and no laugh lines. She most certainly didn't dream of 1.8 children and a maxed out RRSP fund. And she didn't dream of cosmopolitans at dinner parties seating 12 or caring what the labels said inside her clothes.

And this little girl was lucky. Because her dreams came true. And because her dreams came true, she was blessed with daily reminders to live in the moment, not to take things for granted, to love people not things. She was blessed with moments like a 2 year old discovering the antennae on slugs and the beauty a 6 year old sees in flowering weeds. She knew to be grateful for smelly 12 year old's socks because it reminded her that he was a boy as God made him. This girl knew to be grateful for a 16 year old wanting to talk at midnight. She knew those were some of the best times to talk.

Life wasn't easy. Life would have been so carefree if she had dreamed that different dream. But God knew her heart. He knew she couldn't grow and flourish and learn to see the beauty of His creation if she was driving a Mustang. He knew this little girl needed to stay grounded with vehicle repairs and oil stains on the carpet. He knew her needs as He created her. So He placed those dreams inside of her and stood by watching proudly as He allowed them to come true, one by one, just as the stars appear on a cloudless night.

And that little girl was happy. And grateful. And knew she was blessed. And thanked God everyday for allowing her dreams to come true.

Although she is dreaming that her next minivan is any colour but purple.