Reboot

It's been a rough stretch in The Mahoney family.

The loss of The Husband's Dad.

The Husband's job.

My Mom.

Every door that opened seemed to bring fresh tears, new frustrations, more worry and endless sadness.

And every new hurt brought us further and further down a dark and unknown road with no light at the end. And we don't own a GPS. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down and started to write in this little blog of mine. There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to write about. But the hurt was too much and I couldn't get it out. My mom kept telling me to get back at it and write, but what I needed to write about I couldn't let her read.

Despair. Pain. Disbelief. Anger. A lot of swear words.

She wouldn't have approved.

And now she's gone. I stood beside my mom and told her to go. I told my mom it was ok to go, we would all be ok. My heart was screaming don't go, please...I haven't told you I love you enough, you have to see my kids grow up, I still need to talk to you everyday on the phone, don't leave us. I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go.

But I told her it was ok to go. She looked at me, nodded her head and left us. 2 1/2 years battling breast cancer like a warrior, staying with us days longer than medically made any sense.

And I couldn't find it in me to write.

Seriously pathetic.

So I'm giving myself a reboot. Rebooting my blog. Calling a mulligan. A do over. New opportunities for The Husband and our family are on the near horizon and it's going to be all sunshine and double rainbows around this joint. Double fricking rainbows.

Or quite possibly some aurora borealis. And I've always wanted to see me some of that.

I'm back, baby. I'm back.

Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Blogged

It's the one month anniversary since my last blog entry.

If you could see me, you would notice a pronounced droop in my chin. My eyes hang low and you could could get some serious air time wake boarding across the wrinkles on my forehead.

I don't look that way from shame. I'm just trying to figure out the logic in the fact that not writing for a month has gained 3 readers to my blog during that time.

People like it when I don't write.

Ah. There's my motivation.

On with it then, right?

Top Ten Reasons I Haven't Blogged

10. Getting 3 children ready for school is taxing. And there's nothing remotely entertaining about it unless you're talking about the beer I drank afterwards.

9. My dryer died and I was spending copious amounts of time thinking about wringing out the wet laundry that was sitting in the broken dryer.

8. Twitter is ruining me. Why spend 30 minutes writing 300 words when you can say it all in 30 seconds with 140 characters?

7. I seem to be spending copious amounts of time sitting on the floor doing puzzles, playing Barbies and Polly Pocket, and building massive castles out of Lego. Then I can't get up off the floor because my joints have seized up.

6. I couldn't find the tape.

5. The Princess has discovered a new friend two doors down from us. When the new friend stated that the baby doll they were doctoring needed medicine called "mood swings", I've felt the need to closely supervise this new friendship.

4. The Boy needs feeding on an hourly basis.

3. It was The Husband's birthday. I'm not sure why that's a reason not to blog but I'm pulling excuses out of the air at this point.

2. The fridge needed cleaning out. Oh. Wait. That's why I'm blogging right now. To avoid the fridge. Whatever works.

....and the #1 reason I haven't blogged in a month.....

1. My PVR was 90% full and I needed to watch 300 hours of TV so I could free up some room. Hey. I have to be able to record So You Think You Can Dance.

So that's it. 10 excuses. But I've set myself some goals this week. I am going to blog every day. Tune in tomorrow when I will unveil my new invention.

It's brilliant. And luckily, I found the tape.

Well, Hello There

Days and weeks have passed.

Here I have sat, watching So You Think You Can Dance, playing spider solitaire, nagging my children, drinking the occasional beer, reading books on fasting, and contemplating life.

But no blogging.

Sometimes when life seems to be throwing you a bit too much crap, all you want to do is dodge the doo doo and not make a facial mask out of it.

Or write about it.

I mean, I could have written about my $400 van bill. And then whined about how the van that we've owned for 4 months needs another $1,000 worth of work.

But I don't want to go on and on about how that trench in my back yard is going to stay that way instead of turning into a nice patio because my minivan wants working water thingamajigs.

And so I didn't blog.

I could have written about the cute little hamster that The Princess sweet talked The Husband into purchasing. But then I'd have to find the cord for the camera to download the pictures and who the heck knows where that is.

And so I didn't blog.

I most certainly could have posted about the hour and a quarter wait at the doctor's office, or putting my brand new I only wore it once new cotton shirt in the dryer, or asked you what the heck that brown spot on the girls' bedroom carpet could possibly be, but I've blocked it all out.

And so I didn't blog.

I really wanted to blog about the big family reunion, but I got all weepy at the thought of my deceased grandparents looking down on all of us and just being so amazingly pleased at what they created, that I couldn't finish that post.

And so I didn't blog.

I've been completely blown away by information that has surfaced about a very popular mommy blog that I've been reading for a long time. And felt weird about. I wish I had listened to my instincts about it all. But then reading all the backlash over it and seeing how incredibly quick other bloggers have been to rip her to shreds and bend over backwards to dig up dirt on the blogger....well...it's left me pretty jaded over all this blogging stuff.

And so I didn't blog.

But now I'm getting harassing messages posted on Facebook and friends (yes, that would be YOU Ms. K) who refuse to come over for coffee until I post something into the blogesphere.

And so. I've blogged.

I'm free Tues, Ms. K.

Oh, and Ms. M....I expect a new blog entry from you by Monday.

Ouch Then Huh?

Writer's block can be a terrible thing.

I stepped away from some non blog related writing a few weeks ago. I had walked away from it once before but had gotten back into the swing of it. And then it really hit me. The writer's block, that is.

This last bout of blockage was a stone wall that took me out, made a snide remark about my dirty house and then crashed on top of me to finish me off.

I crawled out from the crumbled mortar this afternoon. I opened that long ignored word document and started to read. Familiar words jumped out across the page. But as I continued to read, things got really strange.

Who the heck had logged into my computer and written all this stuff? I had no recollection of writing it. A lot of it.

I must have been in some zone. Some warped writing zone where aliens take over your brain and plant ideas and stories and new paths with the same zest that The Boy has for eating poached eggs as a snack between his after school snack and dinner.

So I'm back at it. With some piss and vinegar or something of that nature. Off to find my mojo, some zen, get the funk on, power on, take a run at it.

Not here on my little blog, apparently. The aliens don't seem to visit when I'm writing here.

Help

Okay. Here's the deal.

I need help.

Your help.

Yes. YOU.

You may have noticed that it's been kind of quiet around these parts. Yet again. I'm not sure what my problem is. Blog envy. Blog burnout. Blog blah. And then my mom (Hi, Mom) called today. She played the mom card and told me she was sick and tired of seeing my really old entry sitting all sad and lonely on my blog and to get on with it.

So what's the problem? I can't decide what I want to write about. I can't even decide what to make for dinner.

Help me. Please. I've whittled it down to 10 possible entries.

Top Ten Possible Blog Entries

10. The Boy - Olympic Snack Champion in Training

9. Why the Royal 'WE' Should Be Outlawed in My Home

8. US of A Border Crossing 101 - Griswold Style

7. Twitter is Rotting My Brain

6. You Stinking Kids Are NOT Turning the New Van into a Garbage Dump. I Mean It!

5. 'N' Stands for "Oh My God, My Baby Just Drove Away In My Van and There's No Flipping Adult in There With Her!!"

4. Recession My *%#

3. Bugs Are Our Friends. Don't You DARE Put That Thing on Me.

2. Ponna Tanna

....and the last possible blog entry is.....

1. The Griswold Family's Favourite Things - A Princess' Perspective

And so, my faithful readers, would you help a lost blogger out? Which topic should I write about?

Numbers and Rates and Graphs, Oh My!

I had another epiphany.

I know. After sharing my last epiphany my readership fell about 10%. I realize I'm taking my chances here.

As much as I love being at home full time, I miss work. I miss earning money. I miss time away from my children to go hang out with other people's children. Which is kind of ironic. Alannis Morrisette ironic, at any rate. Stay with me, I'm heading somewhere with this.

Besides for missing working with some really cool kids, I miss the numbers and graphs and concrete evidence all rolled up in a lovely package of a binder or clipboard or a pocket PC. I loved being able to see that what I was doing was making a difference, and it all being confirmed with numbers and climbing graphs. Or on the flip side, seeing what wasn't working and figuring out how to change our teaching strategy. And it occurred to me in the wee hours of the night that perhaps that is why I have become obsessed with Google Analytics.

Google Analytics has graphs. Lots of graphs.

There are numbers. Percentages, rates, averages, and oh my gosh, overviews, and my goodness gracious, there are lots of graphs.

I love being a mom, but let's face it, there's not a lot of immediate feedback on whether I'm screwing things up....I mean, other than the fact that they're all still alive and I haven't had to visit the principal's office this week. Some days feel like I'm coasting through this role, hoping I'm not messing up too badly.

And I love writing, but it's a lonely place. But I've discovered that blogging gives me immediate feedback on what I'm doing. Kinda like work. The epiphany that Google Analytics is filling in for my work high is really not that surprising.

A thought has occurred to me. Maybe I should start keeping data and graphing my mothering successes and failures.

No. Just the successes.

I'll have to start small. I most certainly want to build success into my new system.

I'll start with some basics.

• The number of consecutive hours I go without swearing under my breath.
• How many loads of laundry I do each day and an analysis of the correlation between the day of the week and the number of missing socks.
• Tally the number of minutes preparing meals per week. Make sure to post this one on the fridge. Include highlighting and a really fancy graph. In red.
• Keep track of kilometers driven in the new van and gasoline purchases and figure out gas mileage (kilometerage?). Use this as direct evidence when explaining to teenagers in the house the reason why you won't drive to Tim Horton's to get them a double double.

Well. That's a good start.

Tune in next week when I analyse the direct correlation between my mood and the number of chocolate eggs I haven't eaten.

And please tell me you obsess over Google Analytics, too.

Ebbing and Flowing

There's an ebb and flow to blogging.

There's been a lot of ebbing and not a lot of flowing going on around this little blog.

I have a lot of excuses. I had a cold. There was a child with a cold. Then there was a husband with cold.

'Nuff said about that.

Oh, and we were out shopping for alternative transportation of the non eggplant kind. And, BOOOYA! We found one.

I never thought I could be so excited about spending money. And about spending money on a minivan. On a 6 year old minivan. That is not purple.

I know many people get rid of their vehicles when they get to the great age of 6. There's a lot of people who probably think that my euphoria is uncalled for. I mean, where's the zing in a 6 year old minivan? Even if it's not purple.

Well, those people were not driving a 13 year old purple minivan.

Everything in life is relative. A full fridge and pantry that's the norm to one person is only a dream to many others. A house full of kids can be frustrating and cause a harried mom to pray to God for just one quiet moment to herself. But a childless woman prays to God to take away all the quietness in her life, and replace it with a child.

Rough patches in life make us appreciate the good.

The bad helps us to clarify what 'good' really is.

It's tough when you're in the middle of all the crap, but truly helps us to be grateful for the 6 year old minivan. That's full of children and groceries.

Ah, the ebb and flow of life. It's a wonderful thing.

What's in a Name?

A lot.

I've been thinking about the name of this little blog for a while now.

'A while' meaning since about day two of starting it. I'll admit, I started this blog on a bit of a whim and dang it all, I've been pulled in to discover that it is the sanity in my insane life. Had I known what it would give me, I would have started it a long time ago. But since I used to need the Husband to turn the computer on for me, operating a blog was not on my list of obtainable goals.

I credit my amazing skills of collecting trial by trial date on a Pocket PC at work, without ever losing 2 years worth of data, as giving me the strength to dive into the world of blogging. That, and my sister had a blog and I was jealous.

Yesterday, I found out someone (who seems like a very nice person and who has a very lovely blog) has the exact same blog name as mine, except that she is "Mahoney's Musings".

I've been researching blog names for a while now and I've come to the conclusion that all the good names are taken. Even if I figured out a new name, I have no idea what I'd have to do to change my blog's name. Start a new one?

What?

I mean....I have to think about all my loyal readers.

I'm talking to both of you.

Pay attention.

Names are important. Mahoney is part of who I am. I can make people laugh just by handing them my credit card.

"MAHONEY!!!"


"MAHONEY!! Like Police Academy! Hahaha."

The Princess had a friend come over one day and the friend told me out of the blue, "My dad thinks your last name is funny."

I didn't get the feeling it was a compliment.

So, perhaps the name will have to stay. "Mahoney" apparently makes people laugh, albeit it in a Police Academy kind of way. And "Musings"? Oh how I now loathe that word. We bloggers have turned that wonderful word into a commonplace name.

I've thought about the name "Melete" (pronounced MEH-le-TEE) after the goddess of meditation. But really. I think it might be too deep. And I'd be called Meleeet.

Mahoney Melete.

Melete Mahoney?

Just Melete?

Meletee?

Mahoney Musings it is.

For now.

Besides, yesterday someone googled 'Armageddon Blog' and found mine. And they stayed and read two pages of my life.

Perhaps I made their day a little bit brighter. Or a little less Armageddonish.

Because I AM a musing Mahoney.

Ha! Amusing.

AMUSING!

That's it!!

Weeding

I sat in front of the computer this morning, a cup of coffee in my hand, and my Google reader told me I had 25 unread blog entries.

I looked over the long list and read my favourites first. Then I found myself clicking on some of the links and just marking them as read even though I hadn't really read them.

I'm lying to my Google reader. Is that a sin?

I think it's time for a bit of weeding.

I've started growing disenchanted with some of the blogs I've been reading. The perfectness of their lives is getting on my nerves. Perfect Moms with perfect children. Perfect photography moments and perfect husbands. Perfect meals that they have made from scratch and the pictures to prove it.

I posted my recipe for pumpkin scones once. I tried to take pictures but discovered that the two year old had dropped the camera one too many times and I figured posting pictures of squiggly lines the colour of pumpkin scones wasn't going to add to the whole experience.

So, just like I cleaned the drawer under my oven the day after Christmas (did I mention there was turkey dripping in there? No? Hmmm....must have slipped my mind), I am going to clean my Google reader.

Some (and this is by no means a complete list) will definitely stay.

Confessions of a CF Husband is a blog I've been reading for just over a year now. Miracle upon miracle.

The Dilbert Blog is always a good read. His brain goes to some strange places.

Cake Wrecks is a guaranteed laugh. The cakes are hilarious. Her commentaries are hysterical.

Big Mama is always good for a giggle. And she doesn't make me feel like a pathetic parent.

ProBlogger has some great blogging tips, even for someone like me who doesn't blog to make money. Bonus: It's written with an Australian accent. Well....not really....it's not like he goes around spelling out g'day mate, or anything. But he IS from Australia so you can use your imagination, eh.

Tentative Equinox and Spike is Best are close to my heart. I always read them first.

Bring the Rain is a recommended read for someone who has about 5 hours to start at the beginning. She is an amazing writer who tells her story with such grace and love you cannot read it without wanting to fall to your knees and beg God for just a smidge of her faith. I love her honesty.

And the blogs I'm culling? I'm not that mean to publicly delist them. I'm just at the point where I need to stop feeling like I'm in high school again. I'm turning 40 this year, for crying out loud! It's time to stop comparing my muddle of a life with 'perfect' people. I know they don't exist, but they seem to on their blogs and it's getting to me.

So. How am I going to declutter? Blogs that share the good and the bad stay. Blogs that only share the perfect? I need to take a break from perfect.

And I'd love to hear from you. What blogs have you discovered that you cannot wait for Google reader to tell you they have a new entry?

Blogger Should Have a Filtration System

Question.

Who writes a blog entry at 2:30 in the morning.....and then posts it?

That would be me.

And who writes a blog entry PUBLICLY STATING NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS while sleep deprived?

That would be me, too.

I think Blogger should have a filtration system to prevent middle of the night fiascoes such as that. Like, I'm the only one who's ever done something like that. Pfft.

I also think making promises about writing 'more signficant stuff' is a tad out of my realm. Why on earth I thought I would have a significant thought in my head just because it's the year 2009 is beyond me.

So hear we go people. I'm all caught up on my sleep and haven't barfed for days. So I give you my NEW and IMPROVED New Year's Resolutions.

1. Live life to its absolute fullest.

2. Don't take the dog to the pound.

3. Do not have a 40th birthday party. Seriously.

4. Watch my eldest child graduate from high school.

5. Cry.

6. Laugh.

7. Don't yell at my kids as much.

8. Love.

9. Be happy.

10. Receive a shiny new video card in the mail (hey....there are 12 months in a year. This could happen).

10. 'Let go and let God' for everything else. He does a much better job than I ever do.

And blog a bit more.

Oh, wait. THAT'S what I must have meant. Blog significantly more about stuff. Not blog about more significant stuff.



Hmm. Maybe a writer's group.....

Happy New Year

Here I sit, at 2:30 am in the wee hours of the New Year.

I've spent the last day and a half bonding with the upstairs abode. The flu that started with the Baby projectile vomiting on me several days ago finally made its way to me.

Good times.

So, having slept through ringing in the New Year, I now find myself completely awake and reminiscing about this past year and this little blog. It's been a good year. And bad. And frustrating. And life altering.

What could I have lived without? My mom's cancer diagnosis, for sure.

The teenage angst in this house? A lot less of that would have been good.

Reconnecting with my siblings in a strange sort of 'rallying the troops' thingy? That's been good. Really good.

Living my last year in my 30's? Loved that.

Starting to blog? It's been a slice.

I've been going through this little blog of mine and reading all the old entries. I sure whine a lot. I perseverate on small, idiotic things. Which probably explain my small readership.

Which brings me to some New Year's resolutions.

1. Lose weight. This is a really good one to start with, since I've just lost five pounds barfing for the past 36 hours. Success already.

2. Blog about some more significant stuff other than my family irritating me and making fun of my Husband. This one will be hard.

3. Clean my house. I'm not sure about this one, but a person can dream.

4. Win the lottery. This is as attainable as the clean house. But again....dreaming.

5. Live life to the fullest.

I'm going back to bed. I'm sure I'll read this post in the morning and it won't make any sense. Which means I'm blowing resolution number 2 already.

I'm sure my next entry will be awe inspiring.

Blues Skies, Butterflies and Monkeys Eating Bananas

Ha.

Made you look.

This entry has nothing to do with butterflies but I'm interested in how many Google hits I'll get just having the word butterflies in the title. Call it an experiment.

What I'm really pondering right now is all the stuff I've been reading on ProBlogger http://www.problogger.net/ . Because I want to make a million dollars off of this little blog, as you can see from all the advertising I do.

Ok, that's totally not why I blog, but I'm interested in the vastness of the blogging world. My sister's blog http://tentativeequinox.wordpress.com/ has gotten tons (or hundreds of kilos for you metric people) of Google hits to her blog all because of a little picture she posted of a cute Muppet. Who new.

While I try to make sense of all that's written about making my blog the best, my stomach starts flipping around because I feel like I'm in high school again. All the cool people from high school have morphed into the cool people with awesome blogs that get gobs of comments, and I'm the blog that's standing over in the corner at the party knowing no one will ask me to dance and even if they did it would be because their buddies had a bet on who could dance with the shortest girl there and let me tell you, no one wants a pity dance. Not even me.

So I start to think about all the 'things' I'm suppose to do, like link to other people's blogs and tell them I've put up a link, and then they'll check out my blog and then they'll tell two people, and then THEY'LL tell two people, and so on, and so on and so on.

But then they might read my blog.

So basically I'm a small statured walking oxymoron.

I want people to read my blog. But I don't want people to read my blog. I've never preached that I make much sense. Ask my children. Or my husband. He'll give you a word or two on that subject.

That little ProBlogger site also yells about the need to be a prolific blogger. I can do that. I haven't done that. I will do that.

I am challenging myself this week. This week, I will blog every day. *crickets chirping*

O...k....how about this? This week, I will not only blog every day, but I will award a PRIZE to the person who leaves the bestest, most insightful comment on one of my posts. Yes....another ProBlogger tip. Everyone likes getting something for nothing. That's not the tip. The tip is something about generating 'buzz' or something like that. I just know everyone likes getting something for nothing, or at the very least, very little effort. I'll let you know what the prize is once I know what it is. It will totally be worth playing for. Honest.

Rules:

1. Said contest ends Sunday night, 11pm, Pacific Standard Time.
2. No swears.
3. No short stature comments. These will be deleted.
4. You must write your comments and POST them in the comments section. "But I talked to you on the phone this week" doesn't count.
5. Post no bills.

So, tune in tomorrow, when I will be discussing the finer points of needing to clean under one's living room couches more than once a year.

There will be pictures.

Have I Mentioned How Much I Hate HTML?

I want to change the look of my blog and have been 'researching' how to customize it. I shut it all down last night when my eyes started to bleed and I swore no less than 3 times at some lady blogger who told me it was as easy as pie (that should have been my first clue. Have you ever actually tried to make pie crust that didn't turn out to be 2 inches thick and tasted like you were eating gluey flour and water baked on high for 15 minutes? Easy as pie my a...).

I've been on all sorts of blogs that look like their owners most likely have 38 scrapbook photo albums for each of their children. (I have none....scrapbook albums, not kids. I have plenty of those.) And these bloggers swear they haven't paid someone to make their blogs all perfectly wonderful. I admit it. I have blogger's envy. Argh. They probably have perfect houses and perfect children too.

What have I gotten myself into? I started blogging as an outlet for frustrations, connect with family and friends, and just to be able to write and have some 'me' moments in my hectic life with four kids, two dogs and a husband (not necessarily in order of importance there). And now I'm worrying about 'my blog isn't as nice as her blog'?

Okay. Breathe. I do not want to change the look of my blog to compete with the 10 million other blogs in cyberspace. I want to change the look of my blog because I want to. I can picture it in my head but can't make the computer believe that's really what I want to do. The computer keeps laughing at me and thinks it's a game. "Oh, really? You want to widen those margins? 'Kay.....but that must mean you don't want this pesky side bar, here, so I'll just get rid of that for you."

Stupid HTML.

I'm begging for help. Don't make me have to go to blogging rehab. Don't make me take up scrap booking. Please....send me your links to stress free blogging designs. Send me info on how to have the upper hand with my computer. Is there a secret swear word I don't know about?

Epiphany. There's an underground secret code that all you HTML lovers know about, isn't there! All you HTML lovers know just where to insert that little code in amongst all that HTML gibberish. And then the computer sees that little secret code and says, "Ah, crap. Gotta listen to this one. They know what they're doing."

Give me the code. I won't tell anyone. Promise.

I'll bake you some pumpkin scones??