It's been a rough stretch in The Mahoney family.
The loss of The Husband's Dad.
The Husband's job.
My Mom.
Every door that opened seemed to bring fresh tears, new frustrations, more worry and endless sadness.
And every new hurt brought us further and further down a dark and unknown road with no light at the end. And we don't own a GPS. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down and started to write in this little blog of mine. There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to write about. But the hurt was too much and I couldn't get it out. My mom kept telling me to get back at it and write, but what I needed to write about I couldn't let her read.
Despair. Pain. Disbelief. Anger. A lot of swear words.
She wouldn't have approved.
And now she's gone. I stood beside my mom and told her to go. I told my mom it was ok to go, we would all be ok. My heart was screaming don't go, please...I haven't told you I love you enough, you have to see my kids grow up, I still need to talk to you everyday on the phone, don't leave us. I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go.
The loss of The Husband's Dad.
The Husband's job.
My Mom.
Every door that opened seemed to bring fresh tears, new frustrations, more worry and endless sadness.
And every new hurt brought us further and further down a dark and unknown road with no light at the end. And we don't own a GPS. I can't tell you how many times I've sat down and started to write in this little blog of mine. There were so many things I wanted to say. So many things I wanted to write about. But the hurt was too much and I couldn't get it out. My mom kept telling me to get back at it and write, but what I needed to write about I couldn't let her read.
Despair. Pain. Disbelief. Anger. A lot of swear words.
She wouldn't have approved.
And now she's gone. I stood beside my mom and told her to go. I told my mom it was ok to go, we would all be ok. My heart was screaming don't go, please...I haven't told you I love you enough, you have to see my kids grow up, I still need to talk to you everyday on the phone, don't leave us. I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go.
But I told her it was ok to go. She looked at me, nodded her head and left us. 2 1/2 years battling breast cancer like a warrior, staying with us days longer than medically made any sense.
And I couldn't find it in me to write.
Seriously pathetic.
So I'm giving myself a reboot. Rebooting my blog. Calling a mulligan. A do over. New opportunities for The Husband and our family are on the near horizon and it's going to be all sunshine and double rainbows around this joint. Double fricking rainbows.
Or quite possibly some aurora borealis. And I've always wanted to see me some of that.
I'm back, baby. I'm back.
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1 comment:
What an emotional and real post. The strength you show is amazing. Believe it or not, reading your posts is what propelled me to start writing myself. Glad you got back at it and looking forward to reading more.
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