Saturday, November 8, 2008

Rules Rules Rules

Posted on our fridge today.

ATTENTION ALL MAHONEYS

It has come to the attention of management that household rules established in this humble abode have been flung by the wayside, not unlike one of our jack o'lanterns that was splattered on the road this past Halloween.

Due to an increased volume of neglect, looking the other way and plain old disregard for our house policies, management has decided a gentle reminder of all rules is in order.

Let us please remember:

1. Outdoor shoes are for the outdoors, not my, I mean, our, carpets. Take them off inside. If you feel the need to complain about cold feet, management reminds all of you that Christmas is a mere 6 weeks away and Santa delivers. Put some slippers on your list.

2. Outdoor shoes have a home. It's called the closet. They feel scared when they are left sitting directly in front of the door, just waiting to be tripped over by management. They don't like to hear management swearing and they certainly feel abandoned when they are thrown outside in the rain. Give your shoes, who carry your attitude dripping bodies around all day, the respect they deserve.

3. There are animals living in this house. Please feel free to remember this at all times. Management grows weary of being the only human to hear meowing, barking, whining, and pacing that is indicative of a pet needing SOMETHING. We assure you, your ears are working fine.

4. While listening for the above mentioned pets, be assured that your ears are capable of hearing adult voices. Honest. Management would be happy to direct minors who have a contrary belief on this subject to some very strong medical studies that prove otherwise.

5. "But Why???" is considered an inappropriate response to any request made by management. Studies have shown that people over the age of majority do not respond well to minors who emit this phrase. From this point on, when this phrase comes out of any minor's trap, management will immediately add another request onto the first one. Feel free to test us on this one.

6. This establishment owns a dishwasher. The sink is not the dishwasher. The counter is not the dishwasher. The living room coffee table/window seat/floor/couch/mantle is not the dishwasher. Your mother is not the dishwasher. To find the dishwasher (read this carefully, it is quite technical), stand in front of the sink. Look to your right. Look down. There is a white door there with lots of buttons (not to be confused with the pantry door, which is white, but has no buttons). When you push that little lever thingy, the door opens downward towards the floor. There are things called 'racks' in the dishwasher that you pull out towards yourself. Rest assured, you will not injure yourself. They really are quite light. Your dirty dishes are to be gently deposited into the dishwasher. Management respectfully asks all minors to close the door after depositing dirty dishes into the washer. Minors are not allowed to leave the door open to let the dog lick the dishes inside and claim that they have fed the animals.

7. Garbage. Dear god, people. Use the garbage cans. I beg you.

8. Turn around time. Management respectfully asks all minors to think farther ahead than their next breath. If a minor living in this establishment needs baking done, cardboard for a project, a piece of clothing washed, or a ride to a volleyball game, 3 minutes is not enough time for management to fulfill your request. And texting "come now" to your mother is in poor taste.

9. Bedrooms. Management reserves the right to be able to see 80% of the carpet at all times.

10. Bathrooms. Toilet paper roll fairies do not exist. If you use the last of the roll, put a new one on. Even if you have just had your nails done, have a manual dexterity problem or you know management doesn't keep track of who was in the bathroom last. Just do it. Oh, and Boy, please work on your aiming skills.


I'll let you know how this goes down. And how long it takes them to see it. I have more to add but didn't want the list to end up looking like the Princess's Christmas list.

4 comments:

tentativeequinox said...

This is hilarious. I think I should post it on my fridge too.

I need one more item though...

You are not Hansel and Gretel. You will be able to find your way back from wherever it is you came from. You do not need to make a trail of clothing, bread crumbs, shoes or lunch bags.

colleen4 said...

Brilliant!! How could I have missed this one?

Heather Stilwell said...

LAUNDRY
A towel which has been used once to dry a clean body is not dirty - it does not belong on the laundry room floor.

colleen4 said...

You're opening up a whole new can o' worms with the laundry. I could come up with 10 points on that alone.

1. An outfit worn for 20 minutes as you pretend to be a restaurant owner/princess/doctor/ballerina/ wireless ham radio operator does NOT need to go directly into the hamper.

.....I'm going to have to make a pg 2 list.....